so compared to the harshness of the prison i avoided, smelly second hand clothes and smelly mentally challenged customers (and staff!) and having to work an extra day a week even in my newly pregnant state,has to be taken as a blessing, even if it doesn’t seem that way right at the time.

anyway, at home, i like a complete twat told dickheadBoy that he could stay here temporarily till he found himself somewhere else and sadly today i have the bad feeling that he may just be taking the piss.  so it seems i have more stress now, and am thinking of just moving out myself, it seems the easier option.  i swear down, will this nightmare ever end?  and how am i supposed to afford to find another deposit plus moving costs? its all too much.  but it seems it has to be done.

ugh.  wish me luck xx

its either that or poison him, which right now seems like a pretty sane option

on top of all that, pregnancy symptoms – well, where do i start – i’m getting new things happening to my body every day.  so far:  large painful boobs covered in roadmap-like veins, one day i feel my hips are being torn apart, the next i feel sick if i eat, the next i feel sick if i don’t, the next day my mouth tastes of metal, which also makes me feel sick, ive had diarrhoea, constipation, back pain, front pain, swollen hands and feet and none of my jeans will do up.  oh – and sleepless nights and constant tiredness.  fucking hell, no-one told me about all this!!  plus, im bolshy as a teenager and seriously, don’t even think about fucking with me while im carrying my baby! tolerance=zero.

and will i get swine flu now?  it’s a concern, i wont deny.

oh, and chloes former owner came in telling me he’d kicked his alsation for letting her be stolen, what an evil animal abuser (c was liberated from a life tied outside on a short lead day and night btw, no qualms whatsoever).  i really want to rescue the alsation too, really really do.  ive reported him to the rspca but nothings been done.  so if any alf is reading please please get in touch and ill tell u where a dog is being left outside starving all the time, i really want it rescued.

so, an interesting, liberating, knackering, emotional week has been had.

do you think maddy mcanns mum looks a bit like michael jackson?  has anyone ever seen them in the same room?

think about that one………

And yes, my relationship is still rocky and no, I still don’t know if I want him around.  Don’t get me wrong, he made a good effort for two days, till he hit the skunk again at the weekend and had a Boy-strop when I said I didn’t want sex on Sunday morning.  I thought he was making an effort that is, until he expected medals for cleaning the house and took pains to let me know how much of a pain it was and how much I had put him out in asking him to help me, after he had ‘spring cleaned’ for my return last weekend.  I think he is deluded in the tru meaning of spring cleaning, I seriously doubt whether that Boy has ever cleaned a skirting board, a wall or a ceiling in his life.  And he missed my room and the bathroom (yes, we are still sleeping in different rooms).  And the corners only ever get done to a decent standard when I get down on my hands and knees.

But, despite relationship trouble, I am eagerly anticipating the arrival of my little boy or girl  (and i AM going to find out which beforehand if i can).  Since I was forced into having an abortion nearly ten years ago, I have felt an unbelievable hole in my soul, like a mother with no child and no doubt my intervening years of madness and recklessness filled that huge void while they could.  Sadly, no amount of cocaine and cocaine-based products can truly ever erase the pain of such a loss and so while I still grieve to this very day, I am overjoyed that God has seen fit to give me another chance.

Anyhow, more about that later maybe, beacuse I have just spoken to the surgery who confirmed what I already know, and I’ve got to get a wriggle on and go see the doctor for my first appointment.  Exciting.  Very exciting.  Well, as excited as you can get with niggling back pain, extreme lethargy and tits the size of watermelons and agonising with every jolt.

later xx

my home was visited by four paws

and with them many long blonde hairs

that seems to end up everywhere

mingled in with dried pond mud

what was life then and was it good?

i laid in bed till noon and some

and partied till the rising sun

no morning walks or constant cleaning

but without dog there was no meaning

no waggy tail or cold wet nose

no reason for extended prose

no endless love and fun and laughs

and soaking walls and muddy baths

cos now i see the sun and rain

the buds that bloom, he keeps me sane

and when im happy, when im sad

he stays real close and makes me glad

dogs are most fantastic beasts

my best friend ever, my soul released

thank you God for all this joy

for my new little girl and my best mate boy

two dogs even better than one

and so this song goes on and on

and THEN he tells me that when i was sacked from this strip club i was working at at the time, on allegations of soliciting, that he doubted me and thought that there may be some truth in it.  for the record:  allegation totally untrue, those girls will make up anything about you if they think it works to their advantage.   mind you i was doing shedloads of coke quite blatantly in the dance rooms, i suppose that might have contributed to my demise at that particular establishment.  oh well, work was always easy to come by for me when i was stripping, and i ended up in a nicer more lucrative place anyway.

we both got a rum deal i suppose, with each other.  he thought i was a randy lap dancer when i couldnt give a fuck about sex half the time (result of abuse i suppose) and i thought he was a financially secure career guy, when really he’s worse than me with money, and i am terribly disorganised.  although i am improving with age.  although i still have bailiffs sending me nasty notes.  bastards. dont get me started on THOSE bully-boys.  thank god for my two big dogs.

on which note, i was congratulated by the vet on the good job im doing with Chloe, my miniweiler, and she’s growing exponentially with a bit of me-love.  twatheadboychild wants to take her when he leaves but we will see about that – ive just got her microchipped to me and i’ll have no qualms in reporting her missing.  he can’t split my dogs up, that would be too horrid to them.

word count: 365 – lol – i began to write my essay earlier and managed 100.  only 2900 to go.  think i will have to look at it again with a fresh head tomorrow, i spent too much time today frolicking in the sunshine with my darling dogs, then i had a mystery shop and time just whizzed quicly and silently by me.   hmm dogs-essays-dogs-essays……..no contest really!!

right my friend, im going to bugger off now, grab a glass of milk  and see what other people are doing before i retire to bed, possibly with a film, probably with a book and cuddle up to my sleepy hounds, made tired by their long exciting walk and trip to the vets.

good night xxx

oh,what a beach,long, wide and,in the AM,mostly deserted. i felt like captain jack sparrow and his trusty best friend, striding across the golden sand littered with broken seashells twinkling like a million diamonds under my well worn leather pirate boots. the sky was vivid blue above and the sea looked more an more inviting as we drew closer. a pink ball,launched into the sea was swiftly followed by an enthusiastic dog,leaping through the waves sending salt spray in every direction. oh what an adventure. (my foray into foot-water contact was swiftly withdrawn upon assessment of temperature).

with no particular time to keep, our leisurely stroll back to the dunes was taken at very much a holiday pace,stopping for games and the removal of footwear. that is the life, and as i stopped to sunbathe on the soft warm sand near the dunes, my heart was wrenched at having to leave this temporary but ideal existence.

i had already decided to break the return journey so when i saw a sign to stapely water gardens i imagined some zen like refuge from the bleak m6. so off i pottered, marveling at the sudden increase in large expensive cars and excellent quality of road surface as i headed in the direction of chester. as i neared my destination,i was simply smaked in the face with the size of the houses ahead of me. i dont mean o be funny, but if they were in a city they would be 6 story flats not 3 story houses. which got me wondering how it is that we can live in a society where people can amass such wealth and live in such huge houses when in contrast i saw a large family in my city living in what can only be described as squalor.

so the conclusion i came up with was socialist communism. because why should footballers (for example)be allowed to earn thousands of pounds a DAY when people on benefits and minimum wage have to struggle on as little as fifty quid a week? how can that be a fair society, surely there should be a more even spread of wealth? i cant ever imagine being able to earn enough to buy a house let alone a house, a car, a holiday and all the other consumables that i see in magazines and on the telly. i is completely beyond my comprehension. so by the time i arrived at said water gardens (which actually looked like a big garden centre – what a con) and there were ‘no dogs allowed’ signs,i turned round and headed back to find a nice field to stretch all 6 legs in the car and one very achey back.

have you ever been to a place that is so picture-perfect it makes you feel nauseous? the field that we stopped in was next to such a place, willesley or someshit. ugh.now i know that home’s a grimey cesspit of a city,but this was too much the opposite. i could feel the hayfever coming on after passing the first garden. so i bit the bullet and headed back to the filthy city i call home.

not wanting to forget my holiday completely,and what a lovely,relaxing, freeing timeit has been, i brought back with my a bag of sand from the beach and a selection of rock sand shells. so now i have a beach-in-a-box in which to put my hands and feet when i feel like cheerful comfort. oh happy days.

• well,not the first time ive attempted this blog but what with everyone from my grandma to my probation officer telling me i should write a book,well,here i bloody well am. ta-da!

  first, apologies for any missing t’s, or letters generally -im typing on my generally wonderful but slightly temperamental asus eeeeeeeeepc keyboard, besides which my speed has always outshone my accuracy.still, keeps you all on the ball, no?

  lol.

  as i just generally dont have the time to sit an write a novel,im hoping that his will do, or at least act as an intermediary. hmm now where to start?

  location at present: chilling for a week by the cold and windy but nonetheless refreshing english seaside. alone? well, away from any known human contact but not alone alone because i have by my side, as ever (where practicable) my trusty hound, my faithful companion, and what better travel buddy could i wish for?

  away,it has to be said,from my live-in ‘partner’, though to call him ‘partner’ would assume that he plays a 50% part in our relationship which is patently untrue. he is a boychild, though he would obviously throw a tantrum if he knew i called him this. however, until he grows up, stops smoking weed, pulls his weight around the house, starts being a reliable person and stops moaning like a sulky child, AND (quite an important one this) learns to enjoy going down and concentrates on me rather than he in the bedroom, then a boy he will in my mind remain.

  away, though, from my comfy-comfy bed and my gorgeous new baby canine, who couldnt accompany us due to car sickness. sniffle. the bed is a downer, i do have the best damn bed in the world, (a fact as yet not disproved). we’ve been partaking in a good amount of fairly lengthy walking, and it seems to have taken it’s toll on my knees, which have a twinge now. don’t i just feel the wrong side of 35? 21 on the inside, 35+ on the body that carries me. all those years of hardcore no-holds-barred living, no doubt, catching up on me. and i thought i was going to be young forever! ah, the foolishness of youth. should have listened to that lady i used to clean for when she old me to look after me knees. and she was only referring to me scrubbing skirting boards, not the other activities i undertook in genuflect.

  anyhow, tired and generally aged that i feel, from the effects of my long walk along the om prom prom (devoid of brass bands but definitely brass monkeys), i am going to retire my elderly bones to the somewhat less comfy than at home bed that is mine for only another two nights. think it’s time for alpha waves on my mp3 and some ‘the fermata’-my failing attempt at re-igniting my sex drive (failing,making it worse possibly, by the fact that a man can hold such fascination with the body of women where the Boy seems so afraid of the genitalia of female kind).

  au revoir mon amie xx